My teacher has a saying:
When someone finds their place in their family, they find their place in the world.
The truth is that you have a unique place in your family of origin. You’re not just part of that family, you are your mother’s daughter, or your father’s son. You are the eldest child, or the second-born, or the youngest. And so on…
In other words, your “place” is very specific; and it influences every other relationship you ever have.
When you fully step into your place, you’ll come into right relationship with all of life – with yourself, with your parents, with your siblings…and then with others in your community and the world at large.
Life becomes easier.
Here are a few questions for you:
Were both of your parents physically and emotionally present in their roles as heads of the family? Or – do you feel bigger or stronger than one or both of them?
Do you have a felt sense of being in the same field as your parents, or do you instead feel like you’re floating in space on your own?
Where are you in the birth order between you and your siblings?
(Are you acknowledging siblings who died as infants, or through miscarriage or abortion? They are part of your family too!)
Does one of your parents have children from a previous marriage? They need to be acknowledged.
If you were adopted, do you have a clear, secure sense of what your place is in the family? Can you thrive in that role, or does it come at a cost?
Your answers to these questions will give you clues about what role and position you’ve been taking in your family. And in noticing that, you might find there are similarities playing out in your relationships with others (partners, bosses, friends, etc.) now.
A woman out of place
Recently, I worked with a client who kept having repeated power struggles with authority figures in her life – teachers, bosses and now some of her clients. No matter how hard she tried to succeed and do a great job, she’d inadvertently trigger them and receive cutting remarks.
The pattern was undermining her self-confidence and made her feel unsafe. In addition to this, she felt somewhat lost in the world and didn’t know where she fit in or where she was heading.
Through working together, we discovered my client was out of place in her family system.
Raised by a single mother with mental illness, she had to become the head of a household at an early age. Add to this, that her mom had miscarried a late term pregnancy before my client was born – and no one was ever allowed to speak of the tragedy.
These two major unresolved issues in my client’s family system led to a deep unconscious confusion about what her role was and where she belonged.
She was carrying emotional and energetic burdens of responsibility and guilt that were too big for her; and she had never been acknowledged as the second child (she’d always thought of herself as the oldest).
This kept her chronically tense and closed to the flow of goodness in her life.
As we helped her reclaim her role of being the child to her parents, and give up the mantle of eldest child, her nervous system deeply relaxed.
She no longer felt pressure to be bigger (more responsible, more capable) than she actually was. She also gained a felt sense of who she was in relation to others. It became easy and natural for her to interact with authority figures in a way that garnered their respect instead of their defensiveness.
Consider your own unique place in your family if you would like more peace than you currently have.
Discovering it will hugely impact your ability to feel a relaxed sense of belonging, ease, boundaries, stability and prosperity in the world. It will make it easier to let go of emotional or energetic burdens that are not your own, and to receive the many blessings life has to offer you.
QUESTION: Did this article give you new insights or inspiration to make a change? Let me know in the comments!