There is a saying in the Family Constellation community:
When someone finds their place in their family, they find their place in the world.
The title of this article isn’t promoting that demeaning, belittling saying about women needing to know their place. What I’m talking about here is something far more powerful and valuable:
When we fully own our unique position in our families of origin, we have a stronger sense of self and a greater harmony with the world around us.
Recently, I worked with a client who kept having repeated power struggles with authority figures in her life – teachers, bosses and now some of her clients. No matter how hard she tried to succeed and do a great job, the other person would at some point become angry and lash out at her. It was beginning to undermine her self-confidence and make her feel unsafe. In addition to this, she felt lost in the world and didn’t know where she fit in or where she was heading.
When we did a Family Constellation session for her, we discovered my client was out of place in her family system. Raised by a single mother with mental illness, she had to become the head of a household at an early age. Add to this, that her mom had miscarried a late term pregnancy before my client was born – and no one was ever allowed to speak of the tragedy.
These two major unresolved issues in her family system contributed to a deep unconscious confusion about my client’s place in the world. She was carrying burdens that weren’t hers, and also was unable to stand in her place as the second born child. From this confusion, there was no way she could receive the support, strength, life force and blessings from those in a position of greater power in her family – or in the world at large.
Fortunately, we were able to support a shift in her family’s dynamic so that she can now relax into who she really is – while being met with support and respect by authority figures and others.
What about you?
Where are you in the birth order of your siblings – did you come first, second, third, and so on? Did you have a sibling who lost his or her life to an abortion or miscarriage? (Yes, these young beings are part of your family too!) Were your parents physically and emotionally present in their roles as heads of the family? These are valuable questions to begin asking.
Knowing your place in your family will hugely impact your ability to feel a sense of belonging, boundaries, stability and prosperity in the world.